Idealistic Religious Love

I’m all for being ideally loving, but not a fan of being idealistic about love. As a past fundamental christian I had this beautiful perfect picture of what love looks like, so much so that I was disillusioned daily.

The pressure and guilt I felt to be more loving and caring led me to be less loving and caring to my loved ones, because after all Jesus said even evil people love those that love them. I needed to love others so much that I forgot to love the ones that depended on me. I placed such a burden to save the list on my shoulders that i had nothing left for my family, and i thought oh the strength will come, but I ended up going further and further down the road to burn out.

To create even more burn out I became a nurse as it was my mission to save the world. I am just recently realizing the unrealistic expectations I placed on my self.

We have a finite amount of time, and we should spend aot of it solidifying our love for those we share our lives with.

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Posted by on August 16, 2019 in Uncategorized


Thinking Too Much

I saw some YouTube videos on my suggestions about self help, and I was reminded of the state of mind I was in at that time. Depressed…sad…unmotivated; trying to ascertain the meaning of life.

Lately I have decided to stop fighting psychological issues with incessant introspection, and just live life. Over this brief period of time, I have realized that typically my introspection comes at times when I feel the greatest sense of powerlessness or fear. I have decided to focus more on the solution and take small steps towards it without allowing a lit of rumination about it. I think half or more of the time that we say we are solving the problem through introspection that we are actually too afraid to follow through with the plan.

Thinking is good, but once you have a solid plan if you keep shutting it down and mowing over it in your head you are draining your mental capacity to attain it. Essentially you are waiting until you feel ready, and then when you feel ready, the tank is empty because you lived through it mentally a hundred thousand times.

A simple strategy I think would be to say

1. ok I’ve thought about this enough

2. What’s the first step?

3. Take the first step

4. When you accomplish it. Then solidify the next step. And repeat.

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Posted by on August 15, 2019 in Inspiration


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Healing in Silence

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The cold night of the soul, words spoken by silence

Will I feel again, or do I like this state of being?

Fears melt away, but the passion remains. My mind tries to grasp it but then its gone.

I just watch and see, and wait for it. My soul aligns with passion

Am I alone in the silence? I don’t remember brokenness, loss, or joy, or sorrow.

I like letting go! Not paying attention to signs, or shifting shadows, or thought!

I find my passion.

I think I like it, there’s healing in silence.

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Posted by on August 5, 2019 in Poetry


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Cool Breeze

beautiful bloom blooming blossom

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Morning breeze the cold crisp air

Memories disappearing and reappearing  like the cool breeze

The soul is cold then brought to life by the warmth of love

Where did the time go? Its slow and then its fast, it’s present and then its past

Just like a cool breeze.

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Posted by on August 4, 2019 in Poetry


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Feeling Good is Okay

I just got back from camping with my family for several days. My wife, 5 kids and 2 dogs, and we all had a blast. My brother came with his 3 daughters a day later and camped with us for a couple days. I noticed that my fear didn’t start kicking in like it used to. I also was able to stop the scenarios that tried to play out in my head. I valued my brother’s presence there whereas before I used to feel like he was always in competition with me.My kids hit it off with some of our camp neighbors and we ended up sharing stories, doing dinner, and smores together the last night as well. It was a dad alone with his kids, and our kids played very well together. I can tell I am recovering from my fears because I used to feel threatened by a guy alone with his kids around my wife and kids as well. I didn’t want them to seem like a better dad than me. I know this places me in a very vulnerable place to share this, but I think its important for people to know that they can overcome their fears. This was impossible to me for many years to overcome.I think the progress has to do with understanding that exposing the fear is only the beginning and can serve as a persons way of continuing to try to control by expecting those around them to accommodate them. I needed to change my thinking by not engaging my fear prompts in my mind. I operated under this pretense for a long time without realizing it. The control factor is a very subtle tricky thing. Fear has to do with the need to control. It will be an ongoing battle, but its possible to make progress.Today as I was pondering my experiences camping, I took away the following:

  • It’s okay to have a good time
  • You don’t need to compare yourself to others
  • Its okay to let go of the constant introspection
  • Fear is an attempt to control and deter a perceived threat(s)
  • The threat is overcome by understanding the difference between a real or imagined threat and trusting yourself
  • Don’t seek out approval, be yourself, and learn to show yourself compassion
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Posted by on July 6, 2019 in Control, Uncategorized


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Trying To Let Go of Control


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Today is one of those days where I feel unbearable pressure. My brother recently got a divorce, and I feel irrationally responsible, like maybe if I had been more bold when I saw the warning signs. I also feel irrational responsibility to help make him happy now and its a lot of pressure. I am in recent years pretty antisocial and would self diagnose myself with pistanthrophobia. So being invited to be social and hang out creates a lot of anxiety in me.  Its been getting better though in some ways. I don’t feel the need to control the situation as much.

My friend and his wife are getting a divorce, and the husband calls to chat and wants to eat up some of my time because he’s lonely. I mean I have 5 kids that I’m trying to take care of and I feel a lot of self induced pressure to give these people advice, and I get really irritable at my family because of it. I texted this guys wife last night and let her have it for using him to watch the kids and stuff, but stringing him along. Its going on a few months now of their separation, and she just keeps playing games. Then this triggers my fear about my own insecurities with my family. I feel right in what I said to her, but anxious that she won’t want to be my friend anymore.

Its so hard to let go of taking charge and giving advice to people. I naturally am a leader and want to help people, and send them in the right direction, but it is so taxing.  I feel this internal drive to keep giving my opinion about people’s situation. I get afraid to control it too, because I fear that I may let go of my personality, and lose who I am. People expect me to give them insight into their issues all the time.



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Posted by on June 27, 2019 in Control


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Overcome Fear and Anxiety


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In recent months, I have made it a point to not let anxiety take over first thing in the morning. I realize that my comfort zone is anxiety. Although I hate it, I can’t bear to be without it. If I wake up feeling good, I can see so clearly now that my mind tries to take me down the path of preparing for the worst. Not imagining scenarios or anything lately, but just creating a sense of dis-ease.

We have flipped the script, instead of meeting the day with joy and fielding the negatives as they occur, we meet the day trying to prepare for the negative possibilities.  This causes us to be hyper-vigilant, but it also is a tremendous burden on our psyche. Picture someone who imagines their death is near, and they are tormented by the thought day and night although there is no immediate threat. The torment they experience is similar to someone who has a legitimate fear of losing their life, and the stress can take its toll in the same way.

We have become accustomed to facing life with a sense of fear. I think because somethings haven’t worked out quite right in the past and our fears seemed to manifest before our eyes, that we began to trust only in our fears. Our fears and anxiety have brought us comfort and some success in our lives so we believe them. They become our comfort zone.  That’s why we hate feeling okay, because we love our fears. We feel safest when we don’t trust, but we recognize that our wellness deteriorates when we live like this.  Opening up and letting go of control is very difficult for people like us, but very necessary if we are to find freedom.


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Posted by on June 23, 2019 in mindfulness


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