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Another clairvoyant experience

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On 12/30/18 I had a dream that I was at my friend Hatim’s house in Pullman, Washington, the house he lived in when we were in high school. Our other friend Adam walks in and he is walking around the house with this new girl by his side. I was really perplexed in my dream because Adam got married about 5 years before that to a different woman, Hatim and I along with our friend Nick attended his wedding in Montana in real life. I didn’t recognize this new girl in my dream and it was really bothering me. Adam is not the kind of guy to do something like this.

Anyway I woke up and I hadn’t been writing these dreams down lately just because I dream so much, and I get tired of recording them all. Also I’ve learned that if I have a dream that means something it usually shoots right back into my mind at the time the scenario is playing out in reality. This is only in recent times that I have begun to pay attention to these “coincidences” as my previous faith forced me to believe that these things were distractions. Even now people may wonder what purpose these things serve. I ask myself the same questions in an objective and unassuming way. I don’t actually need them to mean anything, but they play out in my reality sometimes and I can only say that my stance internally is one of openness.  If they serve any purpose for me they are an indication of our interconnection with those we love that goes beyond physical limitations. I have also thought that maybe it is a dormant instinct that we have lost touch with, and that it is possible to develop it.

Anyway, back to the story. On 1/1/19 I get this group text message with a picture from Adam, who now lives in Montana. The picture is of his new baby girl and the text message reads “She’s a few weeks early, but healthy and beautiful. Name coming soon.” That was it and typical of Adam, as he is a man of few words and is very private. Anyway I thought really nothing of it, nor had I connected it to my dream in any way. I assumed she was born on 1/1/19. On 1/2/19 Adam’s wife posts a Facebook picture of their baby girl indicating that she had been born on 12/30/19, the night of my dream, and she was 4 weeks early so there was really no way for me to know that this was happening. I realized this was the “new” girl with Adam in my dream. My brain was giving me a message, but I was of course interpreting it differently in my dream. I seem to get impressions at times that present themselves in pictorial form in my dreams and these pictures can be skewed a bit as I attempt to interpret what is presented. All I can say is it happened.

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Posted by on January 13, 2019 in Clairvoyance

 

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Odd Hospice Experiences

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I wanted to share a few “spiritual” hospice experiences that I had a few years back before I forget them. I was a home hospice nurse for a year and a half, and an inpatient hospice nurse for an additional two years. Now I work as a critical care nurse at my local hospital. I live less then five minutes away its really nice. Anyway onto the experiences.

1. On one occasion a man had called me out to his house because his wife had just passed away. He and his wife appeared to be in their early fifties. I believe she died of cancer, treatment had proven unfruitful, and she had opted to die at home with her husband at her side. Of course he sounded shaken on the phone, and I reassured him that I would be out shortly. As a hospice nurse I was required to go out the the homes and do whats called a “death visit.” I would call the funeral home for the family and arrange for the body to be picked up, and make sure the patient’s family was doing okay.

I pull up and knock on the door, the husband answers the door and is obviously distraught, but I’m assuming that he’s just struggling to process the loss of his wife which makes perfect sense, and I was used to seeing this. When we go in the house he is pacing back and forth in his living room scratching his head saying ” Man I am an atheist man this doesn’t make any sense.” “This is crazy man. I don’t know what to do with this!” He keeps repeating that he’s an atheist as he begins to tell me that as he was holding his wife just before she died he said “Its okay honey; you can let go.” He told me that as she breathed her last breath this very strong wind blew through his entire house and that his dog started flipping out. None of his windows were open or anything. He asked me point blank though what I thought about it, and if I thought there was something after we die. I told him that yes I thought there was, but now my mind was rocked. I didn’t know what else to tell him. At the time it in no way lined up with my religious beliefs, but I was open and accepting of first hand accounts like these and having my paradigm shift to match the reality of things even if they didn’t line up with me personally. My job was to care for the patient and then be a listening ear to the family. These times were intimate glimpses into people’s lives. Times where all guards were down, and families and patients could share their experiences openly. I wasn’t there to judge or even doubt. This experience always stuck with me .

2. Another time I was admitting a patient to home hospice care who was a very loved and admired judge in town. He had opted to forgo further treatment for his heart failure and wanted to die at home surrounded by his family. When I got there he looked like he was on the brink of death and could hardly breath, in fact, he was breathing so hard that his eyes were in a fixed gaze, and he was staring at the ground only occasionally lifting his eyes up to nod or shake his head in an attempt to answer my questions. I had cranked the oxygen up for him, but the oxygen concentrator didn’t help and I had called the equipment company to bring one out that I could turn up further. I had also brought the comfort medications out with me. Morphine and Ativan are often given to help a dying patient with respiratory distress breathe better. I gave the first dose, and provided written instructions to the family on further administration of these medications throughout the night and made sure that they understood them. I spent about three hours with the family during the admission and then went home after the patient settled and was comfortable and family felt comfortable with me leaving.

Several hours later I received a call that the patient had passed away, and they let me know that some weird stuff had happened at the moment of his passing. When I got there, the family began telling me that as he was breathing less and less and then finally stopped that a wind blew through their house and the locked french doors to his wife’s room where she was sleeping blew open all of the sudden. The son knew this because he had been laying on the couch next to his Dad’s recliner and had been up with him the whole time. We talked some more, and they thanked me for my care, and invited me to his celebration of life at their house. It was a big party with so many legal personnel and judges that knew this man. Needless to say this wasn’t the kind of family to exaggerate what they experienced or take what they say lightly.

3. This ones a little shorter, but I went out to this home after this man in his thirties died, his family had been by his side, and he had been mostly comatose for several hours and they knew he would die soon. They said suddenly he lifted his head and had that empty looking gaze, like when people are half asleep, and he says “Well, I don’t see a light, but I see my family.” Then they said he laid his head down and died that moment.

Hope this is good food for thought, and inspiring. Take care.

 

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2019 in Hospice

 

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Mindfulness and past emotional suffering

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Today I took my two youngest children to a little play place at the local coffee shop so my wife could get some un-distracted homework done. I let the kids play with a couple other kids while I drank my coffee and played chess on my phone. I was feeling good.

I happened to glance over and recognized an older guy that I used to know at the church I attended when I practiced Christianity. I knew him for many years. All of the sudden I remembered his wife had said some stuff about me that I heard through the grapevine when my wife and I had first gotten married almost 13 years ago. She said something to the tune of god telling her that basically I was a bad husband, and that my wife was trapped, she had told this to her home group and her husband who was the local sheriff. This was about 13 years ago, but I could feel the bite of bitterness was still there today. My wife and I felt isolated, we both came from broken homes, we had no idea how be a married couple then. No doubt many people instinctively picked up on our frustrations. You could see it on our faces.

When I saw them I felt the brief need to prove myself. To prove that I wasn’t a piece of shit, that I had clawed myself out of poverty and now made more money than them, and that my family was happy. I could feel the pride welling up inside. I wanted to say “I’m better than you!” And more explicitly, “Fuck you for judging me motherfuckers” The old me used to create small talk with people like this just so that I could prove my worth.  I didn’t jump on that band wagon today. I used to get hijacked by these emotions then lose my focus on the people I loved, and pursue the approval of those I disliked. Sadly, the above church scenario is often the case. There is a veneer of acceptance, but underneath it there is the expectation that you will conform to their beliefs.  You are judged and pressured passively or aggressively either way has a similar effect.  This created such a horrible cycle of hypersensitivity in me that it could send me on a tangent right now, but I will not digress any further.

As these thoughts went through my head, I gently reminded myself to allow the feelings to flow through me without analyzing them, and to come back to the present moment. I did this just by focusing on what my intention was when I got to the coffee shop. My intention was to let my kids play so my wife could study. The thoughts kept trying to come back, but I just calmly refocused. This was not easy, but it is not complicated. I am naturally inclined to stay in my head all day after an encounter like this. It takes practice and I certainly have not arrived, but I was very surprised that the sting of bitterness eventually left me, and I didn’t try to stuff the emotion or hide from it, or strike up a conversation with them to prove myself. I just let the thoughts go by as I sat and watched.

It’s seriously one of the only life hacks that I have found works in real situations. With practice it feels like you are taking your life back after having extended all your energies into mental battles that have continued on for years and years. I mean 13 years later and my brained remembered I had gotten hurt by them. That pain was stored in my memory. I had told my mind years back to protect me from that pain, and one of the ways I did this was to try to prove myself. Our fear of pain hijacks us and can take us on painful mind trips any time those buttons get pushed. That’s why it’s so important to process our fear and pain and not just stuff it. Mindfulness allows us to slow down enough to take action against our thoughts before we react and lose all our mental energy.  This is through non judgmental awareness. We simply watch our mind and allow the thoughts to pass through us without reacting. You will find that the thoughts lose their emotional steam. You will soon find too that you will naturally be more mindful without even thinking about it.

Ultimately, I was able to let the pain go and get on with my day. I continued to treat my kids well and did not start my destructive ruminating about the past. This is possible and I don’t always capture exactly what I want to say about living a more mindful lifestyle, but I hope the essence of what I am trying convey is clear. I also hope that it will encourage you to research mindfulness for yourself as it is only successful if you apply it to your own life in your own way, Living in the present moment is the only reality there is.

Take Care.

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 18, 2018 in mindfulness

 

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“Inner Conflict” and the “Voice of God”

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I was sitting here tonight thinking about how my fundamental Christian background conditioned me to incessantly assess my inner state. If I seemed to be in a state of relative peace, I almost immediately felt like something was going to go wrong, and the internal panic began.  I was taught that I always needed to be growing spiritually, and that if I didn’t feel like I had grown over time that I was likely going backward. I had a certain level of “spirituality” that I wanted to get to, that was always just beyond my reach, and I was very serious about reaching it.  I went to church every Sunday and did mission work in other countries fully expecting to be yanked out of my comfort zone on to the front lines with god. If I let myself settle too much, I feared I might miss the calling of god on my life.

As I analyzed this tonight, and pondered less supernatural causes for my inner conflict,  I was able to see that I created the inner voice with my own mind. I set it up so that it would never allow me to settle for the mundane present moment. It would never let me settle for less than my “spiritual goals” which basically equated to perfectionism. I told it exactly how to talk to me, how to push me, and exactly what my weaknesses were. I didn’t allow this “voice” to have very much mercy on me. I would cut myself no slack, because I knew how much I tried to weasel my way out of things. I had myself pinned down. This later began to drive me to the brink of insanity.

I realized that I could most reasonably conclude that I had developed this voice with my own mind. I had thought this before, but didn’t really understand how. I believed this voice was the “Voice of God,” or the “still small voice” leading and guiding me through life, and I felt safe. Although I had inner turmoil I reasoned that God said “work out your salvation with fear and trembling,” and so I welcomed the turmoil and took it as a requirement for getting closer to God. Although I had been saved by grace, I reasoned that if I wanted to be closer to god and hear his voice that I needed to be more and more holy. And to get holy, I needed to live a life of absolute self sacrifice which indicated there was no time for resting in the present moment. If I allowed myself some grace I may fall away from the plan god had for me.

In recent years I have learned to live in the present moment a lot better, but that inner turmoil comes back, and I get the feeling like I need to be doing something more. That what if I’m wrong, and I’ve jumped off the “spiritual path.” I get afraid to enjoy life.  I realized that this “voice” speaks because I cultivated it during my christian life. The voice matched my perfectionist mindset perfectly. If I ever heard anything I wanted to hear I considered it my sinful nature. I loved god so much that I felt it was even wrong to love anything more than my “relationship” with him—my relationship with that internal voice. My abusive relationship with myself. This is very difficult to acknowledge, but therapeutic to write it down.

The fruit of this mental conditioning would manifest in my relationships as well.  I was just as hard on the people around me as I was on myself. People could see that I was genuine though, and allowed me to do this as if I was meant to be some deep spiritual person. As if god had just gifted me with this deep faith and longing that they could not understand or attain. Many assumed that I was called to be a minister, and little did they know I was suffering deeply from the expectations that I (god) was placing on myself. I was convinced this was god so when people would say “you’re too hard on yourself” in a joking way, I would just ignore them. That inner drive was so strong.

As I have begun cultivating mindfulness, I have further realized that you can rewrite the mental tape with compassion and understanding; that the “Voice of God” or the “inner voice,” is only the mind and the mind can be changed. When the inner voice puts you down just calmly lean into it and wait for it to pass, don’t let your emotions follow the accusations. You do this by just relaxing into it, and letting the dust settle. Bring your mind back to the present moment and don’t judge yourself for hearing the accusations. Understand that the moment you are currently in is the immediate reality. Give yourself compassion and understanding in these moments. This is the closest thing to real magic I’m telling you. Soon you find the fear leaves and you just settled your mind in the moment until it passed. You will find that in the future that voice gets quieter and quieter, and the more mindful compassionate you takes over.

 
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Posted by on December 14, 2018 in mindfulness

 

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Sympathy for the Narcissist

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Narcissists don’t get much sympathy and why should they? Most of them are assholes right? I mean according to the dictionary a narcissist is defined as “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.” The definition alone reveals the stigma associated with this disorder—nobody likes a person like this.

I think that narcissists are deeply emotionally wounded people, but you don’t usually hear about any of them recovering. Most of them go on to hurt others, which perpetuates the sense that they are beyond recovery and primarily the offender.

If you’ve ever noticed a person keeps bringing the conversation back to themselves and not in a natural way, but literally every time you talk to them they have to turn it around to themselves, try looking beyond the action and see whats behind it. Their need to do this has to do with their excessive need for approval. Internally they feel unsettled, detached, unloved, and not cared for. They have convinced themselves that everyone is just pretending, that nobody can be trusted, and that they have look out for themselves in order to avoid pain.  Their focus on themselves is their attempt to nurse their wounds that never seem to heal.

It is very hard to get through to a narcissist, because they actually hate themselves already, and they trust no one’s intentions. They know something is off, and any attempt to correct them wounds their self-esteem. For most, the cost is too much for them to bear. The brief sense of care they feel when they victimize (often unknowingly) others is enough for them to continue to hide behind the facade.

The pain never leaves though, the more they try to secure themselves, the more controlling they get. They are not able to accept that they are not great, because they have built up their persona to avoid the pain of their helplessness.  By being just another average human being they can be forgotten and left behind.  A lot of them are actually very successful  in their careers, and hold management positions. Their motivation is to keep the attention on themselves, and to have a “position of power” to prove that they are better than others. Their narrative in their head is that they are rejected and so while holding this “position of power” they feel justified in lording their power over their subjects. After all they were the ones who rejected them. This all happens in the head, and is expressed in word and action. This same scenario plays out in their personal relationships as well.

In addition to evidence based treatment,  a therapist must be assertive and discerning while also giving unconditional acceptance. This may be enough during cognitive behavioral therapy to breakthrough a narcissist’s defenses. You absolutely have to be more clever than a narcissist who will try everything they can to avoid dealing with their true issues. They are experts at deceiving others. During therapy they may try to distract the practitioner with their surface weaknesses and small talk that will ultimately serve to avoid their real issues. They know they are there, but they also know that most therapists will not have the guts to bring them to the surface. As soon as the narcissist begins to squirm the therapist will often back off and try to make the person feel better. This is not what they need and the narcissist knows this. They need to see that someone else knows that they are like this, and that they won’t get away with it.

Once they see that you are not the average therapist they will often try to get you on their side through masquerading as the victim without recognizing the pain they have caused others.  They can even communicate their surface pain very eloquently. They are used to playing this role too, so it comes very naturally. These are all tactics used to avoid their deeper issues.  They can often see the therapists weaknesses as well and will attempt to neutralize the tension inside by making the therapist feel like they have made progress. This is why it takes a lot of discernment to break through these barriers.

These tactics are a testament to the depth of disorder these people are experiencing. They may have only sought out therapy, because they were told to by their spouse. They may simply be jumping through the hoops, and depending on the perceived effort they made to allow them to carry on their internal narrative in the way they want to. Or they may actually believe that the source of their pain are the surface issues, but it takes a skillful therapist to pinpoint the source. They often times just want to be left alone internally, and need the therapist to see through this.

If a true break through occurs, it is imperative for them to understand that there are no magical solutions. Many layers must be peeled away. They must understand that they have embarked on a journey to recovery and not a quick fix. The perceived “quick fix” would only serve to allow the person to go back into emotional hiding.  The person should understand that they need to be emotionally exposed within their mind, and learn to understand where their perceived threats are coming from. As they learn to let these fears go through acceptance and understanding, they will find that these changes in thinking patterns begins to soothe their deep emotional wounds.

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 10, 2018 in Narcissism

 

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Managing Anger Through Mindfulness

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It is possible to manage our anger through mindfulness. I say “manage,” because anger is a normal emotion that needs to be understood, and managed in a productive way rather than an emotion that is wrong, needs to be eradicated, and “self-hated” out of us. It is a process. I want to tell you right off the bat to not get discouraged when hearing this. I know very well that it can be very discouraging to listen to possible solutions when we know how deep seated our anger is and how hard we’ve tried. We have tried so many things and still fall short. Our self hatred greets us in the morning and reminds us of how many times we have failed, and then tells us not to get angry. Then the torrent of irritability with life rushes in again with suffocating familiarity. Here are some practical steps I have taken to manage my anger and rage through mindfulness.

  1. Accept that you have anger: By doing this you have essentially turned and acknowledged your anger rather than ignored it. This is more productive than waiting for it to surface and then hating it out of you.
  2. Don’t judge your anger or hate yourself for it: Some of us have programmed ourselves to believe that we prevent ourselves from committing certain “evils” by examining all of our thoughts that make us uncomfortable. Most of us find that this creates a never ending spiral of even more unwanted thoughts. As these thoughts build we become more and more disturbed. Scenario (if you’re not the jealous type fill in your own struggle): You perceive your partner to be flirting with another person, you begin to heat up and all the fearful thoughts start flooding in. You know you shouldn’t get angry, and that you can trust your partner, but the thought loop keeps playing and renewing the threat. You remember that you’ve been hurt like this before, but you know this partner isn’t like this.

Why won’t it stop? You have programmed your mind to protect you from feeling this pain ever again and so you are hypersensitive to recognizing it. You judge every move they make to guarantee nothing hurts you. You’ve been fooled before and it won’t happen again. You hate yourself for this, because you know its not fair to this person. You approach your insecurities with understanding, and have compassion on yourself. You’ve acknowledged your anger now let it pass through you without acting on it. Let the angry thoughts and fears surface and just watch them until the adrenaline settles. Afterward, take a mental note (or write it if you want) of what triggered your anger this particular time, and reinforce that you liked the way you dealt with it this time. Notice you didn’t consider the emotion “evil” or “bad,” you just let the physiological response take place in an uncomfortable situation. Overtime, the negative response to these situations diminish. Eventually you will find that you aren’t looking for potential threats anymore, and are able to approach a real situation like this with clarity.

Hope this helps–Jimmy

 
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Posted by on December 6, 2018 in mindfulness

 

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Self-Help and Mindfulness

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Self help! In other words, the addictive navel gazing pastime of the developed world. When I am on a self-help binge, the initial flood of information draws me in; I have this deep sense of accomplishing something profound with my thinking. Gradually, and like clock-work my thinking turns into a mission to maintain those same positive feelings I felt during the binge. I continue my pursuit of more information and cozy feelings with all the ferocity of a crack fiend. The feelings are never the same again though, and I slowly drift into disillusionment which is accompanied by rigorous introspection about where things went wrong.

Self help “gurus” (religious or not) and self-help materials tend to breed the sense that if we could just get our thoughts right then everything would become as it should with us—our minds would go right. This is not necessarily the intention of the majority of gurus or the materials, it just happens. We end up feeling like we could unlock all of our potential if we could just find that one elusive thing. We become accustomed to the sense that something is wrong with us and needs to be fixed. Eventually we feel that the only way to make progress is to constantly critique our thinking to make sure it goes the right way. When, by our own standards, we begin to drift from our “belief of the hour” we feel there is something wrong and frantically try to get the “feeling” back. This is a vicious painful cycle to put ourselves through.  It makes us forget who we are over time. This seemed to develop in me during my years of christian fundamentalism.

We become so dependent on other people’s thoughts that we stop using our own. At some point we have decided that we are so broken that the thoughts that originate in us are flawed in some way, and that this guarantees that they need to be corrected. We become even more introspective and timid as a result–doubting our every move. Guilt and shame build-up to reinforce our thinking, and this becomes our comfort zone. We know if we venture too far out with our own thinking that we will fall flat on our face, so we have learned to doubt everything about ourselves. Gradually this gives way to isolation and we feel very awkward in social situations. Our minds are cluttered with self-judgement and doubt as we attempt to have conversations with people.  I can assure you! You ARE being too hard on yourself. But its hard to believe, because we often believe that it was our self-doubt that has helped us succeed in life. When really our success was in spite of this.

For example lets say our logic and reasoning helped us decide on a career in the medical field. Our self doubt would in no way help us reach that goal in a positive way. Our self doubt would only serve as our secondary motivation for approval from others, and continue to perpetuate the fear of failure. The moment we sense disapproval we become unraveled, bitterness and resentment set in. In the long-run a person would not be able to survive such a demanding field. This can really be applied to any pursuit. I learned how negative of an impact self-doubt can have in nursing school, and the first several years of my RN career.

For me, nursing has been the perfect career to learn this lesson, because you are always learning and things are always changing. Sometimes the demands don’t meet ones abilities and this is out of our control.  I learned the difference between arrogance and confidence. I became confident in my ability to learn and practically apply, not in my ability to know what I hadn’t practiced yet. I believe this is the fundamental difference between arrogance and confidence in this field.  This paradigm shift allowed me to feel less defensive and more open to learning experiences. Learning was no longer a place I fell short, but an opportunity for growth. As a result I felt less threatened by those around me and less judgmental. Surprise! You will occasionally run into a bitter resentful person that tries to break you down, but that is their pain coming through and a prime example of the fruit of self doubt and fear coming to fruition.

Mindfulness has helped me learn to deal with difficult people as well as self doubt among many other things. Each person has their own journey with this. By learning to be open, practicing non judgment, allowing our fearful thoughts to pass by us without indulging them, and learning to accept ourselves, we can find that peace we have been searching for. This is not a method, each person is unique, and must learn this in their own way. Start by practicing bringing your awareness back to the present moment and relax in it. My defense mechanism at work used to be to detach and complain when patients were giving me a hard time.

I still forget sometimes, but now if I find myself drifting away in my mind I refocus my attention on the present moment, and give my hurt complaining self a little compassion and non judgment and move on. Work has now become bearable, and I only changed my perception and not my environment (by the way I thought this was impossible when I started practicing). My home life has become more peaceful too. I’m able to find simple pleasure in life now whereas before I filled my time with debilitating introspection. The way I convinced myself to try this is I accepted the fact that what I was currently doing was not working. I accepted that my current methods for figuring things out were driving me deeper and deeper into despair. Mindfulness builds on its self so don’t lose heart.

Hope this helps–Jimmy

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 5, 2018 in mindfulness

 

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